music of my life.

It's been a long time since I've sat down to write something. The reason is a combination of things. The obvious answer is that I've been busy with the craziness and overwhelming sensation that is being a parent. The other answer is that when I write these posts I like them to come to me in waves and be more meaningful than "We went to the park today."

This morning I brought Colum to daycare for the second time (he usually is shuffled between me, his Grampa and Nana, and Nick). I'm working in a non-discript strange office (at the location of the daycare). It's a void. No people are around and I'm surrounded by white walls, my computers and my paperwork.

The silence was killing me. I put iTunes on and the first album that came up was Jai Agnish. It was the album that Nick and I listen to as we brought Colum home from the hospital. It was a very hard day. I cried the entire way home. As I listened to "Lightening Bugs" in a flash it all came back to me. The urge to push forward the emotions that have been in my heart for the last 22 weeks returned. To document the changes of my life. The changes to my marriage. The the things that have stayed the same.

Amazingly, things have mostly stayed the same with some tweaking around the edges. We have this new little person who's been brought into the wonderfulness that is our life. Somewhere along the way we decided to be THOSE parents, the ones that bring their child EVERYWHERE. When he was 5 days old we brought him to our "local" (as nick calls it) and had a drink with all our friends. From that outing on we've continued to trot him around town. ICA, MFA, Aquarium, Charles River, Cambridge, 4th of July in Boston, Methuen, Plainville, Boston, Provincetown, Florida, restaurants, bars. I even breastfed him while sitting at a bar in P-Town.

After nine years of marriage we know what works for us. We love our friends. We love to be social and see people. Our baby has stood on a bar.

Deadline Oriented

On Wednesday February 11th I was informed, by my midwife, that my blood pressure was too high and that's she'd like me to stop working that Friday. This went against every fiber in my body. What!? She wanted me to SIT AT HOME for two weeks (or more) before I had this baby and do what exactly? She wanted me to leave my job — with many tasks left to do — with only two days notice. I actually got teary when I called Nick and told him. I had shit to do, I couldn't just wait to have this baby for two weeks while not working.

Then I calmed down. OK, my coworkers can handle life without me. I'm not that necessary and no small children will die because I have to go out early. Then I started dreaming about all the stuff I could get done before the baby came (aka nesting — a word Nick shudders at). Cleaning out that front closet. Washing our hardwood floors. Reorganizing the bookcase in my bedroom. AHHHH this I could handle. So I left work on February 13th (Friday the 13th) with my desk half cleaned out promising "I'll be in next week. I'll pick up my shoes and a few others things I've left and we'll do lunch."

My water broke at 3:30 AM on the 14th. Valentines Day. The day my brother was going to propose to his wonderful girlfriend Catie. Have I ever mentioned how deadline oriented I am? Actually I think I'm allowed to call myself deadline obsessed after this: my water broke 10 1/2 hours after I went on maternity leave. Six hours after I posted "Jill feels really weird to be on maternity leave... with no baby yet!" on Facebook.

From here starts my journey to motherhood. I was long - 27 hours. Painful - I had Nubian and an Epidural. Amazing - have you seen photos of my son?

I've blogged a lot over the last nine months about the prelude to becoming a parent. About worries, hopes, dreams and Obama. During the last 25 minutes of labor when I working the hardest I ever have to push that baby out, it all came together and clicked. I looked at my husband standing over me, urging me on and pushed myself to a place I've never been before and then there he was. My most perfect boy. I went from ordinary women and wife to mother and my life shifted to a new place.

Colum is now 10 days old. He is sweet little man who sleeps like a dream and has started (after a rough few first days - who ever said breastfeeding was natural) eating like a champ. Do I still have worries? YES. Mostly the variety of "should I be watching TV while I'm feeding him?" and "how exactly to you give a 10 day old a bath?". All my big concerns have washed away and motherhood has washed over me. Fatherhood has washed over Nick and we are a great team and, more importantly, a family.

PS. The front hall closet is still a mess and so is the bookshelf — Colum doesn't seem to mind. But my Dad and step-mom, Katie, did come and clean our condo for us... so this baby hasn't seen a dirty floor.

PPS. Catie said YES!

The OTHER Big Event.

In my "birth of a president" post a few weeks back I alluded to all the changes in my life. Obviously THE BABY is the biggest of these changes, but there is something else amazing happening and, if I wasn't going to be giving birth in the next 3 weeks, it would take center stage. My husband is going to finish his Ph.D.

Most of you probably don't realized the awesomeness of this, so I'd like to attempt to explain. Nick has been working towards this degree for the last 6 1/2 years and before that he did a two year MA at BC and before that a one year MPhil in England at the University of Leeds. His dedication, his hard work, his commitment to finishing have been unparalleled.

Completing a Ph.D in English is a bit like running a marathon. Firstly, to even start the thing you have to be a little bit crazy. I mean, who would volunteer to be in a degree program that lasts on average 7 years and where you aren't guaranteed a killer job (AKA.. doctor/lawyer) afterwards. There are huge hurdles along the way (heartbreak hills) and you have to spend hours upon hours by yourself training (in the library). BUT in the end when you reach the finish line you've just ran 26 miles and all your friends and family are there to greet you.

So, to be blunt, I might be the bread winner, but Nick has won the marathon. He is one of the most hard working people I have ever met and his passion, work ethic, and commitment to his craft have been inspiring. I was never much of a student and found I work much better in a setting where someone won't pay me if the job doesn't get done. Nick's ability to self manage and meet his OWN self-imposed deadlines is something I've never been able to do.

Over the years I've seen the remains of what doing a Ph.D or even MA can do to a person. Lots of break downs, break ups, drama, instability and even once an intervention. We've lost friends along the way and haven't been impervious to it all, but we've made it. Nick has managed to not only finish his degree, but make wonderful friends, complete 4 albums of music, buy a condo, feed and water an extremely successful marriage and... oh yeah, procreate.

In the end he might not have corner office or be the head of surgery at MGH, but I think he has something better. He has completed a fucking PHD!! He has written a book that is over 200 pages. He has done it all himself with no gun to his head or boss to nag him. He has done it because he started it and he was going to finish. He has done it because he's my husband and he's amazing. Boy do I love that man.

More of the belly!

My fabulous girlfriend Annie came over and snapped some pregnancy photos this weekend. It brought me right back to college when we were both photography majors with a lot of make-up and creative energy. We would dress our roommates (and usually ourselves) up in crazy gear and trap them with our cameras. Now I have a lot more belly and Annie has an amazing camera... how things change, but stay the same. Enjoy.

Click to make bigger.

the birth of a president

I sat on a hard chair with my coworkers today and watched our nation give birth to the 44th president. It's been a long hard pregnancy, filled with trips to the emergency room and false labor — but in the end after hours, days and months of pushing we are given the gift of an amazing man to lead our country.

I'm struck with the poignancy of our changing country and it's direct juxtaposition against my own evolving life. So much change. So much hope. So much shifting sand. But with all the movement the idea of light and life and happiness to come.

It reminds me that even when you think things are so bad and are never going to be ok, hope is always there. Whether it's for your nation — or your personal life — the ability to stand up, reach for what you want and be the best you can is something we can all achieve.

My son will be born in the year we elected the first person of color to the highest position in the land. I can't wait to explain that to him someday and see the confusion on his face. I can't wait to see — in my own child — where we have come.

Dreams

Baby Parker's face at 34 weeks.

Back when I was 16, in high school and learning to drive I used to have these crazy driving dreams where I was zipping through town in my car knowing exactly what to do. Because I learned on an automatic, but would be taken out occasionally by Russ to drive a standard (which was much harder for me to master), in most of my dreams I was effortlessly shifting through gears and able to get out of first without a shutter or stall insight!

Since they began during drivers ed these types of dreams have usually come back when my mind is moving over a problem or an issue that I have not been able to physically conquer. Over the last few months of pregnancy they have returned with a vengeance — clearly my brain is working over the largest conundrum it has come across in my 33 years of life: MOTHERHOOD!

I think what makes this situation so hard for a resting mind to digest is the fact that it's a WHO not a WHAT! Even when I was getting married it was the actual wedding that was the issue and never the MAN. I am now entering the biggest relationship of my life but it's with a person I've never met. It's with someone who I will give birth to and love unconditionally until I die. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm scared as fuck.

BUT — Just like my sleeping mind always knew — I'm a fabulous driver. I will only buy manual cars and I have a perfect driving record. Clearly my brain and my heart know something and if I just listen to them everything will be fine. Just like in my dreams.


What has been kicking me!